This post is not easy to write. Warning: it’s graphic, it’s long, it’s personal, and it’s not talked about nearly enough. Craig and I are mostly private people, but we felt compelled to share our story since it is something so many people go through, yet is talked so little about. I have found strength and understanding in hearing others’ stories. Late at night, when I can’t sleep, I read what others have written. Sharing what happened to us is cathartic for me. This is our miscarriage story...
In June, Craig and I found out that Alice was going to be a big sister and, surprise, Baby #2 was going to be on the way in February 2019! We told some of our close friends, family members, and co-workers. Alice told my parents she was going to be a big sister on July 13th and we had plans to share the news with Craig’s parents and his sister’s family on July 29th. We began brainstorming baby names and coming up with a list of things we’d need to purchase for a second child. We were happy and nervous because this wasn’t exactly planned on our timeline. However, as the weeks passed, we became more and more excited. We celebrated the life growing inside of me all summer. I compared how the pregnancy was similar and different to when I was pregnant with Alice. With Alice, I hardly had any cravings (mostly because I was always nauseous or sick), but with this baby, I was sending Craig to the store to pick up all kinds of random things. We imagined what it would be like to have 2 kids in our house, how my maternity leave would work, what vacations would look like, when I’d break down and buy a minivan.
Everything changed for us around lunchtime on July 16th. Craig, Alice, and I were grocery shopping at Walmart and stocking up on a little bit of everything. As we were nearing the checkout, I felt a gush of wetness in my pants. Since I had been going to the bathroom to pee what felt like 100 times a day since finding out I was pregnant, my first thought was, “I seriously just peed myself a little- man this pregnancy thing isn’t easy!” I thought nothing more of being wet other than, “I guess I’ll need to change my underwear when I get home.” We checked out and made our way to put our groceries in the car. As I unlocked the car, I held on to the grocery cart for dear life as sudden cramps hit me out of no where. It wasn’t super painful, but was extremely uncomfortable. I looked at Craig and told him I didn’t feel well and was going to sit in the car while he put Alice and the bags in the vehicle. I sat down in the car and turned on the AC, and then I put my hands in my lap. I touched the legs of my pants and blood came through onto my fingers. I didn’t realize how “wet” I had been. Right away, I feared a miscarriage. It’s strange to think about now, but I remember being thankful I was wearing black pants because I imagined Craig, Alice, and the people of Walmart would have been traumatized by how much blood there actually had been. When Craig got in the car, I immediately told him I was bleeding and I was afraid I was losing the baby.
We went home where I could assess the situation more. I tried calling my doctor’s office which went to voicemail. A single text had my dear friend Alice Bauserman on the phone with me in a second. She helped me to stay calm. While the initial blood loss was significant, I had stopped bleeding within an hour or two. I spoke to the nurse and then later the doctor on the phone. They were optimistic and told me it could be something or it could be nothing, but I didn’t have good feelings about it. I was supposed to have my nurse educator appointment at 8am the next morning. They scheduled me for a 7:45am ultrasound to see what was going on. I called my parents to tell them what was happening. They were on the road that afternoon to come be with me.
The next morning, Craig, my mom, and I were on the way to Harrisonburg while my dad watched Alice in Woodstock. They took me back for my ultrasound almost immediately. During the ultrasound, the tech could locate the gestational sac but couldn’t see the baby. She could also see some bleeding around my uterus, but she said many pregnant women have some of that.
Not seeing the baby meant one of two things: 1) I wasn’t as far along as I thought (which was totally possible because when I’m not on BC my cycle is longer than 28 days and Alice’s due date changed by over a week after my first ultrasound with her) OR 2) The baby was gone. After the ultrasound, we met with a doctor that is new to the practice since I had Alice. I liked his calm and friendly demeanor. He said it could just be early and we could do an ultrasound in another week and see the baby. He also said it could be not good news. I think he sensed my anxiousness and he recommended that we draw blood in the office that day and then again in 48 hours to see if my levels had increased. He said if there was a healthy pregnancy than the levels should go up and double. He went ahead and canceled my nurse educator appointment and said there was no need to do that until we had some answers. Canceling the nurse educator appointment was a blow because I felt they already knew it wouldn’t be good news. So, I left the doctor’s office without knowing whether my baby was still there or not. Not knowing is the worst. Did I have a miscarriage or not? Am I still pregnant or not? What’s next?
I returned to the doctor’s office that Thursday for my second round of getting my blood drawn. That was 3 days after the initial bleeding. As the days had gone on, I began to lose hope. I told Craig repeatedly that I thought the baby was gone. On Tuesday, I had felt different and uncomfortable. On Wednesday, I told Craig that I didn’t have that same pregnant feeling anymore. The cravings had disappeared. The trips to go pee had greatly reduced. I think I knew all along that the pregnancy was over. People were telling me there was still hope, but as I told them, I didn’t think this chapter in my story had a happy ending. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself saying, “I don’t have good feelings about this.”
Friday morning I had a missed call from my OBGYN’s office. My ringer had been on vibrate. I called back, but had to leave a voicemail with the office. Craig, Alice, and I were on our way to Richmond that morning to celebrate Alice’s birthday weekend. We happened to be on a pit stop in Harrisonburg when the office called me back. I pulled over into the El Charro’s parking lot to take the call. The poor nurse I spoke with didn’t know that I hadn’t received my lab results and officially been told there was no baby. She began the conversation with something along the lines of, “Hi, Robin. I’m calling to schedule your consult with the doctor for the procedure after your miscarriage.” While I felt it all along, hearing the words was a punch to the stomach. I literally couldn’t breathe. My consult was scheduled for Tuesday afternoon in Harrisonburg, meaning we’d have to leave our vacation early to come back to go to the doctor. As soon as I hung up the phone, I just started sobbing in the parking lot of the Mexican restaurant while Craig held me and Alice wondered what was going on.
My daughter is my strength. Her face in the rear view mirror allowed me to pull it together in a few, short minutes, dry my tears, and continue on down the road to Richmond while singing “Wheels on the Bus” 100 times or so. My grieving was far from over though. We spent 2 nights in Richmond before heading on vacation. During one of those nights, I woke up early in the morning and just began sobbing in bed. Craig woke up and comforted me. It wasn’t that I was just grieving the loss of our baby, but I was also grieving the loss of what could have been. I was also upset that we never got to share good news with Craig’s family. Additionally, I was scared for our future. If we tried having another baby in the future, would it end the same way? Also, I was sad for Alice. While I’m not sure how much she understood, she told us she was excited to be a big sister. She would come up to my stomach and pat it and say, “Baby, baby.” The first time she did it after the miscarriage and having to say, “Not anymore. No baby,” was also very difficult.
I’m thankful we had a vacation planned. I don’t think I could have been at home. Celebrating my daughter’s birthday at Great Wolf Lodge was a great distraction. Craig and I were able to just be happy in the moment with Alice. Unfortunately, due to my consult with the doctor on Tuesday afternoon, we had to leave our vacation a little earlier than we had wanted that day. We drove in the pouring rain toward Richmond and then Harrisonburg. The rain matched my mood. Just as I was starting to come to terms with what happened, we were having to discuss a procedure to get rid of the tissue that remained of my pregnancy.
At the doctor on Tuesday, I wasn’t very impressed with our consult. There were a few things that were just off putting about the appointment. I realize that the office deals with miscarriage a lot, but it was new for us, and we didn’t know anything about what happens next. The doctor went over the results of my blood work. My numbers had been high, meaning there should have been a baby seen on the ultrasound. He said I most likely had a blighted ovum, also known as an anembryonic pregnancy. Translation, everything was growing in the pregnancy except the baby. The doctor drew me a picture explaining what happens in a pregnancy like mine, and I started feeling a little better about the consult appointment. I was given the choice of having a procedure to remove the tissues or waiting out passing them naturally, with no guarantee that I still wouldn’t need the procedure to remove everything after that. We opted to go ahead and do the surgery, which was scheduled for Friday, July 27. I would also need to go get blood drawn before the D&E surgery that Thursday.
With the exception of the cramping that went with the bleeding on July 16, I had felt mostly fine since the incident at WalMart. I had a few days where I’d get nauseous, especially in the middle of the night and morning time. My doctor said I should still have all my pregnancy symptoms, but I told him that nausea really was all I still felt. On Wednesday, July 25, we were going to bed and I was hit with some intense cramps. I had wondered if maybe some of the tissue was going to pass naturally, but nothing else became of it.
On Thursday, I went to the hospital to have my lab work done. It was efficient, quick, and smooth. I had gone into the lab to get my blood drawn after another pregnant woman had come out of the lab. When I went into the lab, I heard one of the techs says to the other tech, “It’s another D&E.” I don’t know the circumstances around the other young woman’s situation, but I know that she looked a whole lot more pregnant than me. I was having my D&E as I was nearing the end of my first trimester, but that lady was well into her pregnancy. I can’t imagine how tough that has to be.
Thursday night, we converted Alice’s crib to a toddler bed. Alice was a little wild and crazy and we were getting frustrated with how long it was taking because of her. Alice had pulled a bunch of books off the bookshelf in her room and then she preceded to accidentally knock over the humidifier full of water onto the books. I yelled at Alice and Craig, Craig got frustrated with me, and then I just began crying uncontrollably. It wasn’t about the wet books or how obnoxious my 2 year old was being at the time. I was sad to be working on Alice’s crib where I thought my second baby would be sleeping. I was sad about what was about to happen the next day.
So it is now Friday, July 27. Alice is going to be dropped off with Craig’s mom, and Craig will be with me as we prepare to go to the hospital. My arrival time to RMH for surgery is 11:50am. I won’t actually go to the OR for another hour or more after that. I’ll admit, I’m scared as hell. I don’t like pain, and I don’t know what to expect. Part of me is glad I’ll be knocked out for the surgery, and the other part of me is terrified of being put under. We know the days ahead are going to suck. I imagine that when I come to after the surgery, I’ll cry some more. All the feelings and all the emotions are very raw and it’s all still very surreal.
I go back to work on Tuesday. I can’t believe summer is over. I’m currently experiencing summer regret- it’s the feeling you get when you realize you didn’t do half of what you wanted to during your time off. Additionally, this summer did not relax me. I spent a great portion of my time planning for a baby that won’t be joining us in February. I’m certainly not well rested from this summer. I’m not rejuvenated for another school year. Despite all of that, I’m so thankful for work to begin. I need the distraction. I need to be busy with school things so that my mind can’t focus and obsess on the trauma we’ve just been through as a family.
Distractions are good. Writing this post is good for me. Getting it all out there. I’m looking forward to starting a new job in my school building. Provided there aren’t any major complications, I plan to be at school on Tuesday when all staff report back. I’m looking forward to seeing friends again. One of my friends had told me before our vacation with Alice, just because I’m sad about what has happened, doesn’t mean I can’t have moments of joy too. Alice starts Pollywog daycare for the first time on Monday. I’m excited for her, and I’m also an emotional wreck. She’s NEVER stayed with anyone that’s not family. She’s never been around that many kids. Between family health issues, deaths in the family, Craig’s job search, and now the miscarriage and surgery... All I can say is, what a way to end such a tumultuous summer.
One of my takeaways from this experience... miscarriage is not talked about nearly enough. I felt so ill-equipped to deal with this. I literally had no idea what I was supposed to do. Thank you Google for being my source of education during my crisis. I looked at one of my pregnancy books after all of this happened. The book is like 500 pages long and covers a range of topics. Miscarriage made up like 2 paragraphs. The only bit of wisdom the book shared was that miscarriage often happens during the first trimester, that about 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and then it went over some of the reasons miscarriage occurs. Then there is the line, “If you think you are experiencing a miscarriage, contact your doctor.” Wow. Really?! I needed more. I wanted more. I wish I had known what to expect. Yes, it’s different for everyone, but I needed more than 2 paragraphs. If you find yourself in the position of almost 20-25% of pregnancies, what should I expect? Tell me about bleeding, tell me about symptoms, tell me about a D&C. This is information I would have rather known ahead of time than figuring out along the way. Yeah, no one wants to think about sad things while they are reading about their pregnancy, but seriously, empower women with the knowledge they need to have an understanding of what is happening to their body. Why don’t we talk about this more? We need to talk about this more! To all the ladies out there that have lost a pregnancy or multiple pregnancies before, major hugs.
To my friends and family that have reached out to Craig and I and prayed for us, thank you. Beyond this miscarriage, this summer has been rough for my family. We are grieving still. We are sad. We are confused. We are angry. We have so many emotions regarding so many different things. Continue to pray and think about us as we move through this tough season of life.
